The Glitch in the System: “Not a Feature, but a Bug”
Everyone of us has a specific internal entity that prevents us from being truly tender, loving and appreciative toward ourselves and others. While it feels like an inherent part of us, it is actually an external “installation” — a harmful bug rather than a useful feature.
We often mistake this bug for “effectiveness” because it uses dominance, pressure and intimidation to get immediate results. Its effectiveness and usefulness is an illusion, but in moments of anxiety, we unconsciously seek the loudest voice that promises “order” even if that voice is coercive.
The Reality: While it may produce a controllable child for a parent or a compliant partner for an adult in the short term, it functions through objectification, stripping the other person of their agency.
The Great Blocker: The Devaluing Parent
In the following model of personality structure, this bug manifests as the Devaluing Parent – it blocks our good natural parts.
When we operate under the Devaluing Parent, we stop acting like full-fledged and able adults. Instead, we trigger at first the Submissive Child and then the Rebellious Child response — behaving spitefully or aggressively rather than seeking the best solutions.
The Devaluing Parent acts as a direct rival to the Valuing Parent, pushing them aside to take control of our thoughts and actions.
Origins: The Cycle of “Convenience”
This internal critic isn’t born with us; it’s inherited through the experience of being evaluated and devalued as children by those who ‘estimate’ us and convey this attitude towards us.
Parents often use devaluation (criticism, shouting or “stifling” care) not out of malice, but to make a child “convenient” and easier to manage in the moment.
The cost: This has a long-term disempowering and ‘weakening’ effect. Children raised this way grow into adults who feel inadequate and full of self-doubt. They struggle to defend themselves and, eventually, pass these same patterns on to their own children.
Comparison: Power vs. Power of Love
How to Deactivate the Bug
This ‘bug’ cannot be fully deleted because it is written into our memory, however it can be deactivated and removed from our inner dialogue, as well as from our communication with others. What do you need for that:
Awareness: Recognize when you are being critical or restrictive toward yourself or others.
Transfer of Power: Consciously hand over “management” of your life to the Valuing Parent.
Self-Protection: Learn to diplomatically protect yourself from the devaluation of others without resorting to devaluing them in return.
The Shift: Move from dictating to asking and from ignoring to listening.
Key Takeaway: There is no relational or parental function that requires devaluation. Real strength lies in the appreciative mode, which fosters the safety and closeness needed for healthy attachment and growth. Your Adult, i.e. your uncontaminated awareness and fact-checking skills can help you find the best solution and decide how to act effectively in a given situation. May the tenderness be with you ❤️
Cordially yours Dr. Lena
